Making it through another day...

The toughest time for me, by far, as a sahd, was when my little girl was too young to be in school. Those baby/toddler years were filled with many joys and many depressions. "Hey" you say, "What is wrong with you? It is your fault if you had a hard time. You chose to be at home with your child. If you didn't make the best of it, then you are an idiot!". Well, there is some truth to that. For me though, life isn't that black and white. I stand by my decision to stay at home. I believe it was(and still is) the best thing for my kid. I also say it wasn't always the best thing for me...

Being a sahd forced me to face myself in ways that I never had to before. I had always had a job that I was working with other people toward some sort of common goal. It wasn't always rewarding but, it was always distracting. When it wasn't rewarding, I changed jobs to something that was. I did that until I found a job that I loved and made a career out of. It was all on me, by me, for me. Not so with the whole stay at home gig. For the first time in my life, I was living my life for others. Not just the for kid but, my wife too. Being at home all day long, instead of out in the world, gave me too much time by myself. Yes, I was always with my child but, we could not communicate in a way that was fulfilling to me. In fact, it was very, very frustrating. She would cry, like babies do, and often there would be nothing I could do to get her to stop. I didn't have a soul to talk to about it and especially during the first winter, nowhere to go. We had moved to Illinois, from Florida, to be closer to my in-laws. I wasn't used to the cold. I wasn't used to the dreariness. I had no friends. I had no child-rearing skills. Only the desire to do the right thing and be there to take care of my kid and support my wife. Wow. Real life changes, real fast. I found that I needed some coping strategies or I wasn't going to make it.

This is probably going to sound terrible so, here goes. I needed something to look forward to. Something in the immediate future that I could focus on to get me past that crying episode(the kid, not me), the 11th dirty diaper of the day, that she won't go down for a nap when I really need her to take a nap. What was this magical goal, no reward, that would become daddy's little helper? Alcohol. Yep, alcohol. "That is disgusting, and tragic, and... and..." you seem to say. Well, hear me out and learn a lesson that may be the answer to many a problem.

I never drank during the day. Never. I never drank to excess. Never. I would wait until I got the call from my wife, that she was in the car on her way home, then I would mix a cocktail. A Bacardi Gold rum with orange juice and a splash of Pom, to be specific. It is what I came to call my medicine. I would, and still do, sip this wonderful treat as I made dinner and it was, and still is, splendid.

You see, it isn't the drink itself that made any kind of difference. It was having that as a goal, a pivot point, a reward at a moment in the day when I knew that help was on the way. At the most stressful times in my day, I could just say "I am 3 hours away" or whatever and it was amazing how much of a relief that was...

I am not recommending that you take up drinking(or am I?). I am saying that having something, a reward, just for you, that you can use to take your mind off that moment you are experiencing, can make the difference between sanity and... uhhh... not... sanity.

Things are so much easier now. Amelia is seven and in many ways much more independent. Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy my cocktail. Still only after I get the call. I still look forward to getting that call...

stayathomebryan rhymes with schmalcoholic