Monday, April 11, 2011

*Bleeping* with the enemy


I hate the term "networking". It sounds WAY to businessy and pretentious to apply to stay-at-home dadism. Unfortunately, it really is the best word to describe what you need to do, to maintain your sanity and socialize your kid, before they are old enough to enter school. You gotta "network"(shudder, vomit)...

This means that you have to make friends with moms. They are about all you're going to find out there. You are probably the only sahd in the neighborhood or even town/city/county possibly state. This means that none of your new friends will care about beer, football, the UFC, lawn care, beer, your sex life, South Park, pick-up trucks, beer, your former life as SupposedStud, beer... Yes, it is true, you are alone. Fret not. I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.

Where the hell is my Zippo?

You've got to find, meet, and talk to the women(with kids the same age as yours) that you would normally never, ever find, meet or talk to otherwise. You say "Stayathomebryan, are you sure that I have to go through all that finding, meeting and talking? I would way rather stay at home to play video games, and gamble away our life savings trading stocks, while my kid learns everything they will ever need to know from the Wiggles". Of course you would. We both know you have nothing in common with these women... except for the kids! Well that, and the fact that you are housebound, and bored, and worried that you are doing the right thing, and wondering whatonearth am I going to make for dinner, and why did my kid crap on the floor, and why doesn't my kid talk to other kids, and why has my spouse been so surly lately, and jesus christ I am getting fat, and on and on and on...

Oh, amazingly you have a lot in common with these women and hopefully this realization will help you start "networking". Listen to me now and believe me later, your kid NEEDS to be exposed to the world, and other kids their own age, in as many ways as you can think up. You need to interact with poly-syllabic human beings, on a daily basis, to keep your brain from becoming oatmeal. Luckily there are more options than you now realize.

Contact the Parents as Teachers program at your local school system. I met some great moms and kids there, who became the foundation of a great play group, that lasted for years. P.A.T.s was the first structured, school-like, setting Amelia participated in. Our local YMCA has a free toddler time, several mornings a week, that we went to regularly. They allowed preschool kids to ride bikes, trikes, scooters, skates and strollers on their skating rink. It is the largest(relatively safe) toddler free-for-all anywhere. There are at least 5 parks, with playgrounds, within 3 miles of our home, that we went to all the time. That is just the beginning. I hunted out interesting and fun places, to bring Amelia to, and soon started meeting stay at home moms.

After you have been seen at these places, on a regular basis, moms begin to accept that you aren't some kind of predator and will talk to you. I guess they crave adult conversation, too. You'll be amazed at how you are considered an oddity, once they find out that you are an sahd by choice, and not because you can't find a job. After they overcome their sub-conscious prejudices, and find out you have no interest in hitting on them, you may actually become... friends(?). I know. Sounds weird.

Stay at home moms have a hard time not dispensing advice or offering help, to a sahd, whenever the slightest opportunity presents itself. "I put Petunia on a wheat/hormone/gluten-free diet and her attitude/sleep/stool has improved markedly..." when obnoxia-organa-mom sees you feed your kid some Cheetos. Resist the urge to defend yourself and realize this may be one of the "open doors" you need, to help your kid make a friend, and for you to network with someone who walks a mile in your shoes everyday. Even if you don't start a playgroup together, you may be surprised at how many times you run into Petunia/mom over the next few years. A bloody tongue now may pay off big when Petunia's mom is your kid's 3rd grade teacher... or something...

stayathomebryan is pretty good at *bleeping*.

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