"Try not to be a *ick..."

GotoworkJulie actually used a word that refers to a certain portion of the male anatomy and sounds a lot like dick. "Why would she say such a thing to you?" I seem to hear you say. Well, pull up a stool and listen to my story

A couple of weeks ago, an old high-school friend of her's was in town for their viente anos class reunion. See how gracious stayathomebryan is, not to reveal how long his precious treasure has been out of high school, by using indecipherable code? Definitely a non-*ickish move.

She tells me that we are going to our friend's(Tammy and Duff) house where her aforementioned friend, and her partner, will be spending the afternoon. "Partner?" says I. "Yes, they are gay. Try not to be a *ick". Well, that's not fair. Not that she shouldn't assume that I could/would/might have the propensity to be a *ick because I can/will/might be or am or something... whatever! It is that she actually set that expectation knowing full well that I have limited self control.

It is kind of like when I was in high school, my parents would say things like "Don't skip school" and "Stop touching yourself". Witness my lack of university education and total inability to see anything without eyeglasses as to the efficacy of their heartfelt instructions. "Don't be a *ick" will likely work just as well. As anyone who has met me knows, I yam what I yam. I take this opportunity to apologize.

I am fine with gay people(hey, some of my best friends are... ummm, ok, I don't have any gay friends but, I live in BFE Illinois for Pete's sake) and gotoworkJulie knows this. She also hasn't seen this friend in years and doesn't want my "equal opportunity" offensive nature to ruin her chance to do some catching up. I say to myself, several times, on the way over "I will not be a *ick, I will not be a*ick". I even remember believing myself for a second.

We arrived at our friend's house and unexpectedly Julie's visiting friend answers the door. "Hey, I thought you were Parker(Tammy and Duff's 13 year old son) for a minute..." was the first thing out of my mouth. Doh! Admonitions and affirmations out the window, in less than a second. In my defense, she does look a little like Parker. That, of course, is neither her nor there. I am a *ick and I proved at my first chance.

I've got to say that the visiting friend and her partner were great and didn't seem to be bothered by my over-developed uncouthness. Thank goodness, as I am sure that I was barely better than my first display, the rest of the evening. They even invited us, sincerely it seemed, to come to Seattle, let us stay with them and show us around. I sincerely hope we do, someday.

As a total aside, we were able to use this meeting to introduce Amelia to what being gay is. She has seen enough t.v. and movies where there are gay characters and has wondered aloud about them. To this point, we have avoided the subject, waiting for the proper time and place. Driving home, we simply brought up how her "new friends"(she really liked them) were a couple like we are, and when two men or two women are a couple, it is called being "gay". She was neither shocked or upset by the notion. We didn't think she would be and were grateful for this perfect opportunity.

stayathomebryan vows to try to be less of who he is...

The summer of my kid's content...

This was Amelia's first week back in school, after what has been the best summer break yet, imho. If I had to label it, it would be "The summer of Lydia and Amelia's Grand Adventure, kindly do not interupt..." or some such.

Lydia and family went on the required American Judeo-Christian Hajj(Disneyworld) as soon as school let out and Amelia began to display withdrawal symptoms almost immediately, prompting the coining of the phrase 'friend-bilical cord'. It seemed strange in that they spend relatively little time together during the school year and we had yet to make any real concrete plans beyond their hanging together at Korte rec center's playground/summer camp. Nevertheless, my kid started to get a little wiggy before their family touched down in Orlando and was out-of-sorts for the entire week they were gone. The cord was definitely stretched and the munchkin didn't like it. Not one bit.

When my child's other half returned and they were attending Korte's summer camp together, we settled into the routine of me picking up, and keeping for the day, both girls every other day with Lydia's mom playing the alternate. It started out as a day-by-day then week-by-week thing and ended up going all summer long. To say that the kid flourished wouldn't be generous enough. It was really the first time that she was mature and independent enough for this to go on and on and on like it did. They couldn't get enough of each other.

It is simply fantastic to me to see the two young girls trust and care for each other with no expectations or agenda. I don't know of any adult relationship that is as simple and pure. I will forever remember watching them sitting on the hammock, with their arms around each other, for what seemed an eternity, just talking. I have no idea what they had to say but I could tell from their relaxed expressions that it was no one's business but their own. It was one of those rare times in my life that I experienced a genuine blessing just by witnessing the blessing of others.

We went the entire summer like that. Our house, their house, day in, day out. Amelia attended a summer enrichment camp at Triad High School for a week and they both went to a Science Summer camp, put on by the St. Louis Science center, but their days with just the two of them are going to have the most profound and prolonged effect. It was this time together that spawned the second patented phrase: conjoined friends.

I am pleased(since it is, ultimately, all about me) that my child has and is such a good friend. I am as equally pleased that it is Lydia.

stayathomebryan is glad that school is back in session but, only just so...

A year ago she might have cried...

One day last week Amelia had a friend over to play. It was this girl's first visit to the house even though they have known each other from school for the past couple of years. We have been hoping to get them together as we really like this kid and think that they will get along well. And they did.

When NotLydia (I refer here to any of her friends that is not Lydia as... NotLydia) arrived there was a bit of awkwardness on both their parts. They stood in the foyer area, for a while, as NotLydia surveyed her surroundings and Amelia did the same of her guest. I was just hanging back, waiting to see how things went and hoping they would require no intervention.

A large picture of Amelia as a toddler caught NotLydia's eye and off the cuff she said, "Amelia, you were a funny looking baby". Ooowwww, that was a little something and I went on High-Alert in case I needed to do damage control. In half a second Amelia replied "Well, I guess that most babies are a little funny looking, right?..." Boom. I was a little stunned and more than a little pleased at the same time. Her response was brilliant verbal Aikido. Step off line, redirect the energy and momentum so that no one gets hurt. Wow.

NotLydia and Amelia went on to have a lot of fun together. The obvious comfort and ease that

our conjoined friends(Amelia/Lydia) share wasn't there and I expect it may never be, but it was a good start.

stayathomebryan will remain in the background, where he belongs.

Sweet the sin, bitter the taste...

It happened in the kitchen.

At least, that's where I got caught...

As a sahd, food or rather preparation of food is one of my primary responsibilities. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, everyday, is what I do. I do not take this responsibility lightly.

Over the last several years, I have discovered and some may argue perfected(?) a few dishes that are staples of our families diet. After preparing the same dish a few hundred times, I get to work out how to make it just right. There are even several items that are on gotoworkJulie's list of favorites. These are my "go to" recipes when I think she needs cheering up, has been particularly busy at work, or I want to get something. For myself. Let's just say they are considered... special.

A couple of weeks ago, I was planning on attending a "pot luck" after an all day seminar. It would be sans family, as Julie had her own education to attend that day. I planned on making/taking potato salad. The recipe I discovered, a few years past, is always well received. As the date of the dinner was approaching, I bought all of my ingredients but I felt that maybe I should bring something else too. This is a group of people that, to be frank, I really like and want to endear myself to.

While shopping, I came upon avocados. Perfectly ripe. On sale. 98 cents apiece. Beckoning. I bought 5. I knew that I would have to prepare the dish under cover. Easy enough, I am home alone for hours most days. I actually felt sneaky as I chopped the garlic, onions, cilantro, jalapeno and mixed them together with the rest. Here I was, preparing something special, not for my family. I put the bowl in the fridge downstairs. Behind the 2 stacked Tupperware containers of potato salad. Just in case.

I came home after the seminar and pot luck and was emptying out the small cooler of my leftovers. GotoworkJulie was in the kitchen, telling me about her continuing education when she noticed me trying to surreptitiously slip the bowl from the cooler to the fridge. She stopped mid-sentence. "Did you make guacamole for the pot luck? I thought you were bringing potato salad." Lamely, I replied "Well... I just thought it would be nice..."

Uncomfortable silence.

Julie, with a hint of mistiness and a hushed tone, said "that's... that's guacadultery."

There it is. It's out there now, isn't it?

stayathomebryan will be receiving 4 to 6 hours of sensitivity training. Again.

*Bleeping* with the enemy

I hate the term "networking". It sounds WAY to businessy and pretentious to apply to stay-at-home dadism. Unfortunately, it really is the best word to describe what you need to do, to maintain your sanity and socialize your kid, before they are old enough to enter school. You gotta "network"(shudder, vomit)...

This means that you have to make friends with moms. They are about all you're going to find out there. You are probably the only sahd in the neighborhood or even town/city/county possibly state. This means that none of your new friends will care about beer, football, the UFC, lawn care, beer, your sex life, South Park, pick-up trucks, beer, your former life as SupposedStud, beer... Yes, it is true, you are alone. Fret not. I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.

Where the hell is my Zippo?

You've got to find, meet, and talk to the women(with kids the same age as yours) that you would normally never, ever find, meet or talk to otherwise. You say "Stayathomebryan, are you sure that I have to go through all that finding, meeting and talking? I would way rather stay at home to play video games, and gamble away our life savings trading stocks, while my kid learns everything they will ever need to know from the Wiggles". Of course you would. We both know you have nothing in common with these women... except for the kids! Well that, and the fact that you are housebound, and bored, and worried that you are doing the right thing, and wondering whatonearth am I going to make for dinner, and why did my kid crap on the floor, and why doesn't my kid talk to other kids, and why has my spouse been so surly lately, and jesus christ I am getting fat, and on and on and on...

Oh, amazingly you have a lot in common with these women and hopefully this realization will help you start "networking". Listen to me now and believe me later, your kid NEEDS to be exposed to the world, and other kids their own age, in as many ways as you can think up. You need to interact with poly-syllabic human beings, on a daily basis, to keep your brain from becoming oatmeal. Luckily there are more options than you now realize.

Contact the Parents as Teachers program at your local school system. I met some great moms and kids there, who became the foundation of a great play group, that lasted for years. P.A.T.s was the first structured, school-like, setting Amelia participated in. Our local YMCA has a free toddler time, several mornings a week, that we went to regularly. They allowed preschool kids to ride bikes, trikes, scooters, skates and strollers on their skating rink. It is the largest(relatively safe) toddler free-for-all anywhere. There are at least 5 parks, with playgrounds, within 3 miles of our home, that we went to all the time. That is just the beginning. I hunted out interesting and fun places, to bring Amelia to, and soon started meeting stay at home moms.

After you have been seen at these places, on a regular basis, moms begin to accept that you aren't some kind of predator and will talk to you. I guess they crave adult conversation, too. You'll be amazed at how you are considered an oddity, once they find out that you are an sahd by choice, and not because you can't find a job. After they overcome their sub-conscious prejudices, and find out you have no interest in hitting on them, you may actually become... friends(?). I know. Sounds weird.

Stay at home moms have a hard time not dispensing advice or offering help, to a sahd, whenever the slightest opportunity presents itself. "I put Petunia on a wheat/hormone/gluten-free diet and her attitude/sleep/stool has improved markedly..." when obnoxia-organa-mom sees you feed your kid some Cheetos. Resist the urge to defend yourself and realize this may be one of the "open doors" you need, to help your kid make a friend, and for you to network with someone who walks a mile in your shoes everyday. Even if you don't start a playgroup together, you may be surprised at how many times you run into Petunia/mom over the next few years. A bloody tongue now may pay off big when Petunia's mom is your kid's 3rd grade teacher... or something...

stayathomebryan is pretty good at *bleeping*.

Like peas and carrots...

I realized early on, how little influence I will have, over my kid's friendships. In an effort to socialize my very shy toddler(and to keep myself from going crazy at home), I started a playgroup with a few like-minded moms and their kids. The children were the same age as Amelia and the moms had similar family situations and parenting styles as us, and we all lived close enough to one another that it was easy to get together almost weekly.

We planned outings to parks, the Y, children's museum and each others houses. We got to know each other well and trusted one another. Even though our kids are in different schools and all, we still invite the girls to birthday parties and it is great to catch up once in a while. I would have to say that we probably got those kids together at least a couple of hundred times over the course of 3+ years...

Things began to loosen up when some of us put our kids in pre-school. We all said we would still get the kids together regularly but, it really didn't work out that way. I fully expected Amelia to ask to see her friends from playgroup as I was sure she would start missing them. I mean Hey, we had been hanging with these people for basically her whole life...

Two weeks into pre-school, Amelia informs us that she has a best friend and her name is Lydia. She had never said anything of the sort and never talked a lot about her playgroup friends when she was away from them. All of the sudden she has this best friend. I met her friend's mom at pick-up and she seemed nice. Amelia came home from school talking about her friend almost daily. We were floored. Do everything you can to provide friends for your kid and the first chance she gets she goes out and makes her own.

They have very similar temperaments, likes, dislikes and such. They have always been sweet and caring toward one another. I can't begin to count the number of little letters, notes and artsy projects that they have made each other as gifts over the years. When I get fed up with the weather here and threaten to move us someplace warmer, Amelia immediately says "I can't leave Lydia!".

Over the last 4 years, we have gotten to know Lydia's parents really well and have done what we can to get the girls together as much as possible. They live close by but are in a different school system so they go to different schools. This really hasn't diminished how fond of each other the kids are. To me, it is totally awesome to know that my kid has made a lasting friend. It is also humbling to me that I had no hand in it, what so ever...

stayathomebryan is ineffectual.